Introvert Fraud
When taking Myers-Briggs personality tests, by far my strongest trait is Introversion (I) as opposed to Extroversion (E). For years I have convinced myself that I am a strong introvert. But for somebody who appears to be overwhelmingly introverted I behave in some weird ways:
- I may not like hobnobbing at parties, but I am capable of delivering lectures or talks to hundreds of people.
- I may spend almost all of my waking hours by myself, but I cannot stand my own company. Without something (music, podcasts, reading material) to distract me I go crazy.
- I have a big mouth and bigger ego and tend to dominate any discussion in which I participate.
- Almost all of my preferred volunteer activities involve socialization. I dislike gardening alone; gardening is fun primarily when I get to socialize. My walking and reading groups both depend on other people participating. I organize laptop rescue missions so that I do not feel the burden of refurbishing laptops alone.
- After I have gotten to know people I talk incessantly at them.
- I find myself craving human interaction after spending 16 hours by myself.
It is true that I have high social anxiety. I cannot canvas at elections. I intensely dislike interacting with strangers at crowds. I do not particularly like parties where people sit around and talk with nothing else to do except eat.
It is true that after giving a lecture or running a laptop rescue session I am wiped out, and that it can take days to recover. But it is also true that I feel more energized after a good conversation with somebody, not less energized. That's not how introversion works.
It is also true that I am not a very good conversationalist. I am prone to monologue, I interrupt others incessantly, and unless I am in interrogation mode I have problems keeping others engaged in conversation.
It looks like I am a fraud. Many of the symptoms I thought of as introversion are actually symptoms of other deficiencies: high anxiety, poor social interaction skills, and substandard grooming. But I do not like this conclusion; my self-image depends on being introverted because I associate introversion with being smart or something.
It is no coincidence that I am questioning my introversion just as it is becoming trendy. I care more about being perceived as an outgroup freak than I do about self-awareness.