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Job Unready
Today may have been the final straw. I had somehow been invited to have a phone interview for a job, which has been exceedingly rare. I booked the appointment for today (Wednesday) at 2:30pm, but in my head I was booking for Thursday at 2:30pm. I even wrote down as much in my day planner. Guess what? I missed the interview.
If there was any more evidence you would need to demonstrate that I will never be able to hold down a job, that's it. It is the final straw. I am now completely nocturnal. I cannot function without ten hours of sleep. I am completely unwilling to work in an office because of COVID, and I am completely unwilling to work at home. My skills are out of date and I am not developing new ones. I am now old and gray and out of touch with modern technologies. I am stubborn and don't have a car and don't have a cellphone. Automated tracking systems won't even accept my phone information because it has an extension. I am super-picky about where I am willing to work, so I won't work anywhere.
I am never going to find a job. It is just not going to happen. I don't have the skills and I don't have the work ethic. I am too broken. Call this fixed mindset if you want, but be aware that expecting people with fixed mindset can just change themselves is an unrealistic expectation too.
With enough work and enough discipline and enough effort I might be able to find something, but I am not willing to put in the discipline or effort. So I will never work again.
Even when I had jobs I was not able to hold down those jobs without burning out. I have never been able to handle mornings. I have never been able to handle constructive criticism. I just did what I wanted and hoped that those wants aligned with whatever business goals my employers wanted. I have never been able to work full-time successfully.
I can't do this. I have never been able to do this. I can't do the job hunting dance and I can't do the networking dance and I can't hold down a job.
I have been thinking of giving up on tech and applying to some factory, as if I will be able to handle physical labour.
Nobody is going to help. Nobody is going to rescue me. Sometimes I reveal what is going on and people want to play the hero and collect accolades for themselves and avoid feeling guilty, but it's all phony. Fixing me (if I was even fixable) is neither cheap nor easy, and it does not help that I am deeply mistrustful. Spare me the "If you want to talk let me know" nonsense. Go stroke your ego someplace else.
I'm done. My life is forfeit. If I can't work then I can't bring in income, and if I can't bring in income I can't afford to live. And it very much looks like I can't work. Missing the phone interview was just the final straw.