Fearful Things
There are many things I fear in this life; sometimes, I start worrying that I am better defined by my fears than anything else. Here are just a few of the many things that scare me:
I am deathly afraid of losing my ability to think. The only thing I have going for me is my "intelligence"; take that away and there is nothing left.
Of the many ways I can wither away and die, the prospect of Alzheimer's Disease scares me the most, followed by brain tumours, since these afflictions rob you of your mind.
I am afraid of dying, although I am not certain that I fear death itself. Dying is a long, slow, painful process that begins the day you are born. For some people, the process is more painful than for others, and I do not look forward to seeing whether I will be one of the lucky ones.
I fear pain. As Daffy Duck once said,
I'm not like most people. I can't stand pain. It hurts me.
I fear running out of ideas.
I fear failure. Considering the failure I have made of my life, I probably should be used to the sensation, but I don't like letting others down, and that's what I do every time I fail.
I fear success, because then expectations go up and I am bound to fail to live up to them.
I fear rejection, because even social outcasts like me want to feel like they belong.
I fear hurting other people, because I have no right to make anybody miserable except (possibly) myself.
I fear my short temper, because I have already hurt so many people as a result of it.
I fear complacency, because complacent people are ignorant. I don't think that the world will ever be hunky-dory in my lifetime. Being complacent is a signal that I am unwilling or unable to see somebody else's pain.
I fear loneliness, although I enjoy being alone. Go figure.
I fear that I have made a horrible mistake with regards to my relationship with God. By remaining agnostic, have I cut off any hopes of salvation?
I fear making a decision with respect to religion. On the one hand, I am in no position to proclaim that God does not exist. On the other, I fear making the rash decision of blind faith, which in my mind is dangerous.
I fear human nature. We're supposed to be the most intelligent creatures on this planet, and yet we are unwilling to take any responsibility for our actions.
I fear ignorance and despair and greed and hatred and hopelessness, because these are emotions that spawn hurtful, destructive actions.
I fear losing somebody who is close to me, although I know that it will happen sooner or later.
I sometimes fear small dogs that yap at me, and large dogs that bark at me. I cannot predict their reactions, and I am afraid that they will attack me. Granted, it would make a lot more sense to be afraid of irrational humans -- and I am, I think -- but such are my fears. Interestingly, I am not very afraid of cats who yap or bark at me, although I do not know why.
I fear money and economics, because they depend on greed to thrive.
I fear that my life is being lived in vain, that I will never accomplish anything worth living for.
I fear that I will never find a job I truly enjoy.
I fear a life of quiet desperation, of normal mediocrity that leads to spending splurges and mid-life crises.
I fear being bound by my possessions and obligations, losing my freedom to meaningless tasks in the process.