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Depression Snapshot
It is silly to discuss depression on a livejournal. Isn't everybody depressed here? Isn't that why we have livejournals? Nevertheless, for years I have been trying to put depression into words. I have not succeeded yet:
All I want to do is sleep. Even though I dream of shameful bad things -- cats I have let die, beating small children, being discovered while having illicit sex, ruining lives by neglecting my duties -- it is better to sleep. Sometimes when I am curled up in a fetal ball, sweating under three or four layers of blankets, my eyes closed and my brain almost empty... then I feel brief moments of peace. There is no such peace when I am awake. There's just anxiety, unhappiness, pain in my shoulders and that feeling that nothing is going to get better.
I don't have any energy. I have many things to do and no motivation to sit down and do them. Sometimes I force myself to start an activity, which sometimes distracts me for a while. But sooner or later the heaviness returns, and I wonder why I bother.
I try to hide my feelings at work. Often people do not realize that I am down unless I go out of my way to solicit pity. People sometimes chat, ask that horrid small talk question "How's it going?" I almost always stumble with my answer. Should I be honest with this person? If I pretend the question is not small talk and answer honestly, the other person will become distressed. So usually I shut up.
The one thing I have learned -- depressed or not -- is that nobody will rescue me. Nobody notices when I want to kill myself. Nobody will swoop in and make things better. If I explicitly seek out help, then sometimes people will help. Otherwise they won't say a thing. That is comforting in many ways. If and when I get around to killing myself, I will be able to do so in peace.
Livejournal URL: http://lonelyache.livejournal.com/5600.html
Mood: Not specified