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I am a sexual being
Maybe it should be no surprise that I am a sexual being. It's pretty common. Many of us think about sex and have sexual urges. Some of us masturbate. A few of us have sex with other people sometimes. I have sexual thoughts and urges, and I masturbate regularly, but I feel uncomfortable disclosing my sexual nature to others. I think this is partially due to shame, and partially due to social considerations.
I'm kind of fat and definitely unkempt and sometimes stinky. It is easier for everybody concerned if I keep my sexuality to myself. People get grossed out when thinking of fat unattractive people having sex, especially when those people are older.
I don't want to cause others discomfort due to my sexuality. I don't want others to fear my presence, thinking I am going to hit on or rape them. Already I have allowed my sexual nature to damage two friendships -- once by making advances, and another when somebody discovered aspects of my sexuality that made them uncomfortable. I do not make friends easily, so these events hurt me a lot.
I mostly dislike being a sexual being. I don't like objectifying attractive people. I especially don't like the idea of giving people preferential treatment because they are attractive. I don't like feeling lonely. I fear disease and pregnancy. Given that I don't intend to reproduce anytime soon, it would be nice if I could just flip my sexuality off, at least for a while. I would not miss it much, and I would likely be happier and more productive.
Another reason I dislike my sexuality is because my sexuality is all wrong, but that's a story for another day.
Regardless of my feelings, it is a fact that I am a sexual being, and will likely continue being so for some time. This has implications, which I will discuss in future entries.
Livejournal URL: http://lonelyache.livejournal.com/1179.html
Mood: Not specified