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I Touch Myself
So, masturbation. It's a hard topic to discuss, even though many people practice it. I have been masturbating for many years now -- over half my life -- and I do so with alarming regularity. I will characteristically masturbate once in the morning, often once at night, and sometimes a few times during the day if I am at home with nothing else to distract me.
I used to be very ashamed of my masturbation habits. I would chastise myself and make vows of chastity. I am not thrilled with this habit even now, but I have grown to see masturbation as a necessary chore. Perhaps incorrectly, I consider sex to be a physiological need. Once puberty hits we are compelled to satisfy our sexual needs in the same way we need to eat or sleep. Giving up all sexual activities is an attractive idea, but I suspect it is as unrealistic as abstaining from sleep or food permanently. Certainly some people get by perfectly well on very little sleep and/or food. Some of us need to eat and sleep less than others. But we tend to think of people who live without food and sleep -- namely, anorexics and insomniacs -- as ill. I do believe that some people get by perfectly well as asexual beings, and that's fine -- but I doubt that lifelong abstinence is natural for most humans. Furthermore, I want to believe that attempts to suppress our sexuality entirely are not good for our health. I often wonder whether the degree to which the sex-abuse tragedies that have occurred in the Catholic church are related to the church's policy that priests are supposed to be unmarried, nonsexual (and non-masturbating) individuals.
In this light, I view masturbation as the easiest and least messy means for me to satisfy my sexual urges. Having said that, I am not happy with the amount I masturbate, and I am especially unhappy with the amount of time masturbation takes. Many days I will squander over an hour of my waking time touching myself and thinking inappropriate thoughts. Those hours add up, and they could be put to much better uses.
Of all the stages of masturbation, I think I enjoy the post-climax afterglow the most. It is one of the few situations in which I feel relaxed and content, especially if I am curled up under my blankets. I wish I could feel that contentment in other aspects of my life. I worry that I use masturbation as a drug; I masturbate so much because I crave that temporary peace. As far as recreational drugs go it is a cheap high, but like all addictions it has its costs. Perhaps it's telling that one of my greatest fears is being trapped in a situation -- say a mental institution or a brainwashing camp or the ex-gay movement -- where I am not allowed to masturbate. Such situations do exist, and I feel queasy every time I read or hear about them. Is that a normal reaction, or is it a sign that I have a problem?
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Mood: Not specified