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Sex, Intimacy, Emotional Engagement
Earlier I suggested that because I feared disease, I would be likely to keep the number of sexual partners I had low. It is true that I fear disease, but the rest of the statement is at best a half-truth.
Firstly, it is not clear that -- given the opportunity -- I wouldn't run around jumping every good-looking man I saw on the street. Self- control has never been one of my strengths.
Secondly, there are much better reasons for me not to get laid much. Amongst other defects, I am fat, relatively poor, and a hypocrite. It is hard to imagine that many people would be interested/desperate enough to seek out sex with me.
Furthermore, I am not sure I am that interested in having sex with other people. Sex with others is messy and expensive. Sex alone is easy to clean up and cheap. As the fortune says: "Sex is like a bridge game -- if you have a good hand no partner is necessary." My hands are hardly fantastic, but they're good enough to get the job done. I don't lack for sexual activity in my life.
What I do lack is intimacy. Like so many other lonely people, I crave companionship and touch. Curling up on a couch, being hugged regularly, having a shoulder to cry on or rest one's head -- these are things missing from my life, and these are things I crave. These activities are not explicitly sexual, but they are intimate. Without touch, I feel like one of those orphanage babies who curled up and died even though they were fed and changed regularly.
Maybe this is why I masturbate so much. Post-coital afterglow makes me feel warm and safe, as if my hypothetical partner is holding me as I drift off to sleep. Would a parade of casual sex partners address this need? Maybe. I have my doubts.
And yet, I fear intimacy. In particular, I fear emotional attachment. It's a cliche to say it, but opening your heart to another means allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Sooner or later, it gets painful. You fight. Worse, your partner hurts you. Worse, you hurt your partner. Worse, your partner gets sick. Worse, your partner dies. Your heart breaks. The pat therapist answer is that the benefits are worth the pain, but I am skeptical. I am tired of emotional attachment. I am tired of hurting others and being hurt. I don't even want a cat. Just leave me alone.
But please don't leave me lonely.
Livejournal URL: http://lonelyache.livejournal.com/3832.html
Mood: Not specified